Still

I’m still kicking. I’m back at work and it’s going okay.

I’m still upset about losing my home, but I’m not as depressed about it as I was previously.

I still have no idea what’s going on though. My sister and I aren’t speaking.

I have no idea when I’ll have to leave.

Theme From MASH

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

My mom died this summer. My dad died about a month ago. My cat died about 3 weeks ago.

Now, my sister is claiming that I’m not helping with closing my mom’s estate and supposedly sitting on toner of money, so she’s decided to sell the house. The house I grew up in. The host I took care of my grandma in. The house I took care of my mom in.

I just, I’m losing everything.

My sister who told me months ago that she didn’t want anything from mom. My sister who then changed her mind when my mom was on her deathbed.

I think what hurts the most is that the one person I thought would always be there for me, the one person who I could always trust – doesn’t trust me or believe me. I’ve lost my sister to her greed.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I still don’t have a job yet. I’m waiting to hear back from a couple of places. But I don’t know of I should even accept if I get offered anything. I can’t afford to live here.

I don’t know why I bother with anything anymore. I was busy hoping for some happiness this year, but it’s just worse.

No one will miss me when I’m gone. I just have to decide how.

Alone and Afraid

I feel so alone and afraid right now. I don’t know what is going to happen to the house anymore. This was supposed to be my ticket to freedom, but now that my sister wants half of the assets, I just don’t know what is going to happen.

I am going to try to meet with the bank tomorrow to see what the procedure is. I couldn’t before, mostly because I didn’t have the death certificates and well, I also came down with a nasty cold. That is thankfully getting a lot better, but I still have some after effects.

I’m just scared. I feel like I am going to be forced from my home prematurely just because I sacrificed everything to take care of my mom. I gave up my job, my savings, my social life – all to look after her. It feels like it’s all going to bite me in the ass.

I just don’t know what I am going to do with myself. I used to have these dreams of building an eco house somewhere where I could live a sustainable lifestyle, but that all feels like it’s slipping away. At least this is a good time to look for work.

I just could really use a hug from someone who actually cares about me. Just something from anyone who cares to let me know that things will be alright, but I am so afraid that I am going to lose the house because the mortgage might come due immediately due to my mom’s passing and it’s not like I would get a loan right now, just because I am unemployed – because I couldn’t work to look after my mom.

It really was a struggle – trying to get her to all of her doctor’s appointments, all of her radiation and chemotherapy treatments – making sure she was safe and had something to eat since she could no longer prepare her own food.

I have to be able to save myself, but I don’t know how with all of these factors looming over me.

I’m just so scared.

Numb and Insomnia

My mom’s funeral service went well. It was simple and small. I’m glad we went why the mortuary I picked. It is a smaller place, so it didn’t feel so empty.

My sister left the day after. As much as I love my sister, I’m glad she left. We have different ways of dealing with things and I really needed some alone time.

I saw my aunt on Saturday for like an hour. She was going to help me with the thank you cards, but I finished those on Friday.

I also switched my mom’s phone to a second line on my phone. It’s not fully set up, but should be okay to have for a few months. I’m going to do the same wuth the house phone, once I find a current bill. We’ve had our house number ever since before there were 7 digit phone numbers. I’m not ready to part with that yet.

I took a day for myself on Sunday. I slept for 12 hours, which was great.

My sister wants me to talk to a grief counselor, but I haven’t had the chance to do anything like that yet.

I overslept today and didn’t get as much done as I wanted too. I was able to meet with my former coworker Xan for lunch yesterday, which was nice. I just felt bad that I’m so depressed that I wasn’t able to be my normal cheerful self, but he understood.

I’ve just been feeling numb all day today. I feel like I’m on the verge of tears. I want to go to bed, but I’ve also been having trouble falling asleep – except for Saturday, since I was so exhausted.

I could just really use a hug right now.

Funeral

My mother’s funeral is tomorrow. It will be one week since she passed.  I really didn’t want to have the funeral so quickly, but my sister is leaving Friday, so……..

I can only hope that things go smoothly.  The obituary hasn’t even come out in the paper yet.  I haven’t had the chance to notify all those who might come yet either.

But, I have had a lot of help so things are going well so far.

Funerals are expensive.  It’s disappointing how expensive they are.  I really don’t know how many families can afford to have any kind of service.

I’m still just so exhausted.  I really need to get to bed.  We have most things covered, but still have a lot of things to do before the service.

However, I am very much looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday.

Preoccupied

Today might be my mom’s last day on this planet.

Her breathing is irregular, her pulse rate and O2 saturation levels are hovering between 70 and 80% on 5 liters of oxygen. I gave her something for her pain and something to help calm her down a few hours ago.

It’s just so difficult seeing someone you love and care for suffering like this. I’ve let her know that things will be okay – that I will be okay. I’m glad my sister is here. I don’t know if I could handle all of this alone.

Hospice

My mom has not been doing well. Her cancer metastasized to her brain. She completed her radiation treatments, but her condition has just worsened.

She went to the hospital for about a week, went to a care home for 3 days, and I brought her home for hospice today.

I was going to have her sent to hospice yesterday, but after speaking with a physician, I decided to have her sent to the ER for an evaluation. She was severely, and I mean severely, dehydrated. She received IV fluids. She improved a bit, but not much. I brought her home for hospice today.

It’s a weird decision. They’re are times where I feel like she’s getting better, and then she goes back to how she was.

I can’t help but feel guilty about it all. Like all I making the right decisions? Her quality of life isn’t going to improve.

I am glad that my sister is coming tomorrow. I just hope mom hangs on until she gets here.